THE BARTONIAN

www.bartonians.uni4m.co.uk

 

Barton Peveril Barton Peveril Grammar School Eastleigh County High School

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Issue No. 38 Winter 2009

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The Magazine for ex-pupils of Eastleigh County High School & Barton Peveril

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Editorial Comment. Hello everyone and welcome to the Winter Edition of our Magazine. The sun is shining as I write so perhaps Winter won’t be so bad - we hope ! Before I start rambling, I have just one question. NO ! not “Deal or No Deal”. My question is quite simply, “Where has 2009 gone?” I’m asking this in the hope that some of you may have an answer. 2009 has been - for me - the swiftest year of my life and after many conversations with friends on the subject, I am not alone ! As some of you may know one of my interests is Musical Theatre (you’ve told them that before !) and booking in advance, now even into 2010, does tend to “melt time away”, anticipating a good show. I have been lucky to see many productions this year and we are fortunate to have a Theatre like The Mayflower so close. If you want to be extravagant - and I have - a trip to London plus theatre takes some beating. I often wonder how quickly time must pass for my son who, in the course of work, visits Sweden, Portugal, Romania, South Africa and Moscow - and all that in a few months ! Enough about me and family - I do hope you enjoy this Winter Edition. It has been more difficult to produce this time with just a few articles coming from you. I hope you can put that right in 2010. You will see my comments at the end of the Magazine. I want to take this opportunity to wish you and yours a Very Merry Christmas and a Happy New Year to follow. I hope to chat with you again. CHC.

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Barton Peveril College Today.

The College has broken all recent records with its AS and A level results this summer. The numbers achieving the top grades of A and B increased significantly and so did their ‘added value’ which means how students achieved compared with what you would expect given their GCSE results. Staff and students are delighted !

Right at the end of the summer term the Barton Jazz Band went to the final of the National Festival of Youth Music. The festival is an annual event which starts off with local and regional heats and eventually reaches the national final. This year’s final was held in Birmingham and Barton Peveril students returned victorious having won the best band category.

You may have picked up some of the press reports about the fiasco surrounding the funding for college capital building projects. Having been encouraged (at great expense) to develop radical plans to rebuild campuses, several hundred colleges were let down by a combination of the recession and the mismanagement of one of the government’s quangos, the Learning and Skills Council. Barton Peveril’s £47m scheme, approved by the planners, was one of the casualties.

So where does that leave Barton Peveril? In particular we need to carry out some repairs on the 1957 Mountbatten building which houses, amongst other things, our science laboratories. We are pulling together some more modest proposals to improve these facilities for our students. We will borrow, as we did to build the magnificent Rose building with its Theatre and Sports Hall five years ago. Beyond that, perhaps we will resort to jumble sales and selling cakes! So if anyone knows of a multi-millionaire former Bartonian with a predisposition to generosity and attachment to his or her former school/college, please do encourage them to get in touch!

Jonathan Prest, Principal Barton Peveril College

Winners of a Cycling Competition in the 1960s

Simon Bayliss ____ Davenport Ray Mansell?

Roy Deacon Roger Hoddinott ?

Do you recognise anyone in this photo, or know when it was taken?

Please email johnbarron@bartonians.uni4m.co.uk or telephone 01235-767162

 

Skittles at the Phoenix Inn at Twyford on Thursday 8th October

Those who attended were John & Barbara Barron, Geoff & Dot Chadwick, Cecil Churcher, Patricia Hardy, David and Margaret Jeffries, Val & John Newey, Elizabeth Rolfe, Claire Statton, and Ruth & Stuart Weekes.

Val and John Newey were runaway winners and were presented with a bottle of wine by our chairman Cecil Churcher. Margaret Jeffries got the highest 3-bowl total with 13 points.

The beer was excellent and the food wasn‘t at all bad. As always a good time was had by all.

I was hoping to include a photo of the winners but unfortunately all efforts to extract the photo from Barbara’s telephone have failed. JCB

Letter to the Editor.

John Wallace (1937 - 1942) writes from Suffolk (or should it be Suffark ?), commenting on our last Issue……

I note a small “spelling error” in the article “How to speak Essix”! Down here on the Suffolk/Essex border I think they would go to “Saafend” or possibly Sahfend, but I’m nit-picking aren’t I !?

Whilst on the subject of idiosyncratic speech, I remember reading the following in the Pirelli staff magazine (c1944/45). “The local, when asked about his wife replied, “missisbinqueer” and what was the problem, ”jurstacoleyerno”. Was this Southampton-speak or Eastleigh or pure Pirelli ?

But, if you want to hear some genuine dialect, come to East Anglia ! The word “tidy” for example…“there was a tidy frorst this morning” and “Hully”, eg…”Hully bewteful” and “oi feel hully ill”. If you have ever listened to “Gardner’s Question Time” you will have heard Bob Flowerdew from Norfolk say how that plant has “grow-un” or seeds are “sow-un”. Who remembers the singing postman, also from Norfolk, with his “Hev ya got a loit boy” ? Thanks John, I could say that I am too young to remember - but you wouldn’t believe me ! Ed.

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John Barron (1962 -1 969) In issue no. 35 of the Bartonian Jean Sheppard (né e Dews) wrote… I was taught by the more formidable Miss Graham ! She once caught me wearing blue mascara which I was ordered to wash off at once … well you will be pleased to know that Lorna Graham is alive and well and living in peaceful retirement in Shropshire. I agree with Jean that she did appear formidable at school but I expect that it was her way of maintaining discipline. When I visited her last year she was anything but formidable but perhaps the years had mellowed her.

 

 

The subject of school uniforms came up in our conversation and this is what she had to say:

Mr Moore was a fanatic about uniforms. He expected the boys to wear their caps even when they went to the villages, and of course they got ragged no end. He expected me to keep berets on girls heads by remote control. I’d see them go out of the gate with their berets on, how did I know what they’d do down the road? He’d been to the town and seen several girls without berets, so he came rushing into the staffroom, his face was purple, this was the old staffroom that became the sixth form room, and it overlooked the school gate going towards the town. He went on and on, “There are girls without berets in the town and you must keep these girls in order!” I looked out of the window and said “There’s a boy going out the gate without his cap on.” He ran out after him …how on earth can you keep them in their uniforms once they are outside the school gate?

When I first got there, there was trouble with berets, then there was the stiletto heels which I had to get rid of [because they were marking the floors] and get them into brown lace-up shoes - they’d had 18 months of freedom you see [because of the absence of a Senior Mistress]. The next thing was underskirts, they’d come to school with these nice pleated skirts, and they’d put these bell-shaped skirts on underneath so they stood out like that lampshade … The next thing was beehive hairdos. You’d see a girl coming towards you and you would say “Where’s your beret?” and they would say “On my head Miss” and they would turn round and in the middle of this huge hairdo was a little green pancake! … Then there was the problem with mini-skirts. The girls uses to gather up their skirts at the waist to reduce the length.

[One young male teacher who will remain anonymous] couldn’t stand girls with lipstick, so every time a girl put some lipstick on, he’d send her to me. In the end we got a school nurse and she’d wipe it off with cold cream. .He’d go berserk if a girl had a touch of makeup on. …Then it was Beatlemania, they were writing “I love Paul” on everything or George. I don’t think I ever saw “I love Ringo.” The caretaker complained that they were going into the girls toilets, there were white metal panels dividing some of the toilets, and they would scribble their boyfriends names on it, so Mr Bayliss said that I’d better talk to the girls about it, so I had them all in the hall and Mr Wood was teaching some sixth formers in that little lobby before you went into the hall, anyway he said to me “What on earth were they laughing at?” I said well I was talking to them about writing names in the toilet and what made them laugh was when I said “Well if I had a boyfriend I wouldn’t think it a compliment to write his name on a toilet wall” so they all shrieked with laughter. You had to make them laugh, it was no good raging at them.

On board the Nevassa in 1967 (Photo supplied by Miss Graham)

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Doug Hannah (1933 - 1938) continues his story of “The Boat” as he passes Gibraltar into the Mediterranean and Chapter 2.……….Now that we were in the comparative safety of the Mediterranean, the faster ships in the convoy went on ahead to avoid congestion at Port Said. The only ship we saw for the whole length of the Med was our old friend, the Alcantara. Towards the end of the day the snow capped mountains of south eastern Spain faded from view and the Atlas mountains were only visible as a blur on the starboard horizon.

That evening I stood in the stern of the ship and watched my first Mediterranean sunset. It was a sight I shall never forget. Words cannot describe the marvellously blended blues, reds, greens and golds which went to make up that sunset. What was it my geography master, “Little Willy”, used to say ? - Mediterranean climate, “Hot, dry summers; warm wet winters” I’m sorry Mr. Sansbury but my winter cruise in the Med. Was a dry and sunny one ! My muster station was on the port side of the Sun Deck aft, but the next morning I fell in on the starboard side as I was extremely anxious to see Algiers which we were due to pass at about 11am. The ship was barely 4 miles out when we passed the capital of Algeria and I could plainly see the famous Casbah, the native quarter which is built in a straggling fashion on the slope of a hill above the port. Do you remember the film “Algiers” in which the lovely Hedy Lamarr became a star ? As I leaned over the rail I felt that I could see again the harassed figure of Charles Boyer running down the steps of his hideout to get one last glimpse of his departing beloved, only to be shot dead by the police as he ran along the quay.

We were lucky to be passing most of the famous places on Africa’s northern coastline in daylight. The next morning we passed Cape Bon, the scene of the German Dunkirk and at dinner time we passed within a mile or so of the tiny island fortress of Pantellaria. The coast of Africa faded again until late on Christmas Day we passed the lights of Alexandria and knew we should be in Port Said the next morning.

Whatever complaints I had against the galley on other days, I must admit that they put on a good show for Christmas dinner. There was a variety of entertainment on board to provide the festive spirit - and of course, “Muster Parade” was cancelled ! I think perhaps the next morning was the most impressive of the whole voyage. We were about to get our first close look at a foreign land. When I came on deck the engines had slowed down and Port Said was in sight. One of the Orient Line boats had just left the port and she passed so close to us that we could see the tightly packed troops on her weather decks waving their greetings. They had good reason to be cheerful - they were Blighty bound ! The seas seemed to be full of dhows which would keep getting in the way of our ship, resulting in numerous deep throated booms from our foghorn. I soon spotted the pilot boat threading its way towards us through the miscellany of small craft and an Egyptian police launch which brought aboard a gentleman wearing a beautiful red fez. I looked in vain for the entrance to the Suez Canal, not realising that Port Said is built on either side of the wide entrance to the famous man-made waterway. When we actually entered Port Said I got the impression of a wonderful sandy beach followed by numerous

hotels and brilliantly coloured cigarette and whisky advertisements. Dominating all of this was a 200 ft. tower with a C.O.L. (Chain, Overseas, Low) radar station on top.

We were to have docked at Port Said to disembark a small Middle East draft but there was no berthing space available and we had to carry straight on to Suez. The Strathnaver and Strathmore, as well as several other large troopers homeward bound, were tied up to the quays and, as we passed, we were assailed with cries of “Get some in ! Get your knees brown”! etc. from all of the “time expired types” on board.

When the quays of Port Said ended and there was still land on both sides of the ship I realised that we must be in the Suez Canal. I said there was still land on both sides of the ship but this was not strictly true. On the starboard side was an embankment carrying a road and railway but, apart from that, the canal was bordered on either side by the mud flats of Lake Menzala. As we drew near to El Kantara, where the railway from Cairo to Jerusalem crosses the canal by a swing bridge, the mud flats gave way to rolling sand dunes and we saw our first Egyptian camels in their natural surroundings. After dinner I made my way out onto the forward well deck where I found a comfortable position on top of a winch. From there I was able to obtain a fine view of the surrounding country - not only ahead but to both port and starboard. The Alcantara was only a few hundred yards ahead of us and it was interesting watching this 20,000 ton liner swinging round the bends of the canal as easily as a boy on a bicycle. Roughly three miles ahead was the Strathaird, her massive superstructure and her three funnels towering above the surrounding desert. Owing to the bends in the canal it was impossible to connect her with the waterway and she looked very strange apparently sailing serenely on across the desert.

The railway runs close to the canal all the way to Ismalia and there are quite a number of stations together with what seemed to me to be a wholly unwarranted collection of signals. These signals are identical with the normal English railway signal. Trains are apparently not numerous on Egyptian railways but when the signal arms started to drop all along our side of the line I knew a train was due to catch us up and pass us on its way from Port Said to Ismalia. The train, when it eventually came, consisted of an engine with a “cow catcher” and searchlight plus about half a dozen blue grey coaches built rather after the style of American Pullman cars.

At intervals along the banks of the canal we passed groups of filthy looking natives, many of whom would persist in lifting their shirts and displaying their masculinity, much to the embarrassment of the WAAFS on board. Occasionally we passed small groups of soldiers from nearby camps and they of course exchanged “cracks” with the boat. I think the smartest “crack” I heard from the shore was “Hey, Charlie ! Who’s the King of England now ?”. On the Egyptian bank side of the canal there were a number of canal stations. Each station has an attractive Egyptian name and consists of a house with well kept gardens and terraces sloping down to the water’s edge where there is a pier and a signal tower. I am unaware of the exact purpose of these canal stations but I imagine that they control the distance between ships and make arrangements for ships going in opposite directions to pass when necessary. There were Europeans present at all the stations we passed and they gave us a cheer and waved their handkerchiefs. Some of the ladies even blue a kiss.

Late in the afternoon we passed through Lake Timsah with the beautiful town of Ismalia on its western shore. Here for a brief instant the sand dunes gave way to trees and grass, and what a beautiful splash of colour they made in comparison with the yellow sand. On such a glorious afternoon as we saw it, with the clear blue overhead and the deep waters of the lake beneath, this must be quite the most beautiful part of the canal. Although there are no locks in the canal, it is only through Lake Timsah and The Great Bitter Lake that the water is not kept within the confines of man made walls.

Just before darkness fell we came out into the open water of The Great Bitter Lake. Here we dropped anchor for the night as navigation of the canal during the hours of darkness with the aid of floodlighting and searchlights on the ships came to an end when the war started. No lights of any description - not even the glow of a cigarette - had been allowed on the open decks on the way out from England but, now that we were in comparative safety, restrictions were lifted and the lights on the Sun Deck were switched on. It seemed almost like a peacetime cruise to be leaning over the rail smoking a cigarette and watching the millions of twinkling lights on shore in company with a beautiful girl. Only the blue grey uniform of my companion and the knowledge that the lights on shore were those of a huge prison camp dispelled the illusion !

That’s the point at which we must leave Doug for this Issue - leaning over the rail in The Great Bitter Lake. Coming next he will leave the canal and go to …………….. well let’s see ! Thanks Doug. Ed.

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I made a determined effort recently to tidy my office at home - Yes, I know it is long overdue ! but it did reveal several papers from bygone days relating to the Old Barts and the Football Club. A couple of these are, I think, well worth repeating. They bring us back to our love of poetry expressed in past Issues. The first was sent in by Bill Waller (who sadly died this year at the age of 94), someone who always attended our functions.

Bill entitled his piece “Three Sticks” - and you will know why. Ed.

Now fate, they say, plays many tricks,

With me, I think, ‘tis sticks !

For guns you know are absolutely barred

In the R.A.M.C, so when on guard

They gave me a huge stick.

What use it be if HQ were attacked

I failed to see !

And later when I became a Head

I acquired another stick instead

The County Council want to have caning banned.

To ban the cane and keep the bomb I

suppose is logical, but I can’t see why.

 

And now I’m growing old my stick is white

Alas, because I’ve lost my sight.

Ah ! Fate they say plays many tricks,

In fact, with me I think it’s sticks !

William Waller (1926 - 1932).

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Mike Smetham (1944 - 1951) writes to us from Ashley Heath, Ringwood with some details of cars owned by members of staff at ECHS. Remember that these were the times when everyone didn’t own their own car !

I was surprised to read in the Spring Edition of The Bartonian that “Addie” Smith had a car as she did not seem a “car sort of person”. So, I feel a few notes on the cars used by staff during my time at ECHS may be of interest to readers.

I will start with Mr. Moore as his car had some significance in my murky past. He had an Austin 10 “Sherborne” which he used one particular evening to attend an Old Upper Fifth Reunion Party. I turned up in an old Austin 10 van complete with a flat tyre and no spare wheel ! I approached Mr. Moore, as one motorist to another and he very sportingly lent me his spare wheel to get back to Romsey. Naturally I returned it next day with my grateful thanks and with a shiny new valve cap.

Mr. Leburn’s Lanchester (Daimler) with “Fluid Flywheel” has been previously mentioned, so as my memory allows I will list other staff cars. Mr. Bodey - Austin 10 Litchfield; Mr. Cox - Morris 8, Series 1; Mr. Habbits - Austin12; Miss Mussel white - Austin Big Seven; Mr. Harvey - Morris 8, Series E, (I seem to remember that he had a mishap outside All Saints Church and tipped it on its side, but no great harm done); Mr. Almond - Hillman Minx; but the Champion of them all was Mr. Bill Slater - who, despite the shortage of new cars post war had a Morris Oxford HOT 115. Bill Slater was never called “Pop”, that title belonged to Mr. Reg Stone. The Stones used to cycle down from Chandlers Ford but were given a lift by Mr. Bodey in bad weather.

Mr. Sansbury had a strange old bicycle which had dropped handlebars but rod operated brakes !

My list may not be complete, perhaps other readers could fill the gaps ?

Thank you Mike - a new slant on happenings at ECHS. What a memory ! Ed.

 

Continuing the late Springclean of my office, the following came to light - it’s in my writing but I don’t think it was composed by me ! The poem is entitled “Nostalgia” and deals with days long gone !

The best days of our life,

Are they now ? perhaps free from strife.

We greet each day in certain knowledge

That now is not like times in College.

‘Twas then we worked and played each day

Only to find time slipped away

So fast, but now we know

Our precious days fade far more speedily and go.

Memories and friends abound from days long past,

Cherished thoughts of school and college will always last,

What joy ‘twill be when in May once more

We meet again to “check the score”.

Hope you remember Sat: 22nd May 2010.

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We are sad to report the deaths of Philip Bliss (1935 - 1940) and Brenda Robertson (Wells) (1939 -1943)

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Ivor Noyce (1944 - 1951) has sent us the following extracts from the “Eastleigh Weekly News” dated the 6th June 1946 which will surely conjure up memories of the 40’s……. “Eastleigh Man in Victory Flypast”

Flight Lt. J.E. Davidson DFC and Bar, of No. 9 Knowle Lane, Fair Oak will fly as the Flight Engineer in one of the 12 Lancasters of the famous No. 35 Squadron, RAF Bomber Command. During the War, Flight Lt. Davidson took part in many operational sorties in most of which he served as Flight Engineer in the aircraft of the Master Bomber or Deputy Master Bomber. His outstanding courage, cheerfulness and unselfish devotion to duty won him the DFC in October 1944 and a Bar in May 1945.

Flight Lt. Davidson, born in Alberta, Canada was educated at the Eastleigh County High School. After serving in the ranks he was commissioned in September 1944.”

A second reference to the School was also made in the following report….”The New Educational Development Plan”….Alderman Quilley addressed a Public Meeting at the Ritchie Hall, Chandlers Ford…..

“There was considerable uneasiness in the meeting as to the future of Eastleigh County High School and the reported decision to discontinue co-education. It was pointed out that without co-education there would not be a sufficiently large intake of pupils to warrant an Advanced “Grammar” Course - a sixth Form. To relinquish co-education after over 25 years would be to weaken the educational position of Eastleigh.

A resolution was passed deploring any projected abandonment of co-education and that before any final decision was taken, the whole matter be reconsidered after consultation and negotiation with interested parties. The resolution was forwarded to George Jeger MP and Miss Ellen Wilkinson, Minister of Education.”

Only one sports item in the whole paper, reporting that Mr. Charlie Marriner won a 25 mile time trial at Poole Wheelers ! Strange really, after all the talking and debating about Education all those years ago, that same discussion goes on today - we’ll get it right one day !

Would you believe that the Old Bartonians Football Club has held another Reunion ! John & Hazel &Young

were visiting the UK from USA in September and enjoyed the trip. The next one ? 9th December !

There is always room for a poem or two in our Magazine - the following pays tribute to the more senior among us ( (no not you - you are far too young ! ) who have “ventured” into the land of computers …………

 

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There is always room for a poem or two in our Magazine - the following pays tribute to the more senior among us ( (no not you - you are far too young ! ) who have “ventured” into the land of computers …………

 

 

The computer swallowed Grandpa.

Yes, honestly it’s true !

He pressed “Control” and “Enter”

And disappeared from view.

It devoured him completely,

The thought just makes me squirm.

He must have caught a virus

Or been eaten by a worm.

I’ve searched through the Recycle Bin

And files of every kind;

I’ve even used the Internet,

But nothing did I find.

In desperation, I asked Jeeves

My searches to refine.

The reply from him was negative,

Not a thing was found “online”.

So, if inside your “Inbox”,

My Grandpa you should see,

Please “Copy”, “Scan” and “Paste” him

And send him back to me !

Remember, we do not stop playing because we grow old; we grow old because we stop playing !

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I think we live in an age of Signs - Signs for this and Signs for that, but some are a bit ambiguous - have a look……………

TOILET OUT OF ORDER. PLEASE USE FLOOR BELOW.

In a Laundromat….AUTOMATIC WASHING MACHINES; PLEASE REMOVE ALL CLOTHING WHEN

THE LIGHT GOES OUT.

In a London apartment store….BARGAIN BASEMENT UPSTAIRS.

In an Office (not mine!)……..AFTER TEA BREAK STAFF SHOULD EMPTY THE TEAPOT AND STAND UPSIDE DOWN ON THE DRAINING BOARD.

Outside a second hand shop…….WE EXCHANGE ANYTHING - BICYCLES, WASHING MACHINES ETC. WHY NOT BRING YOUR WIFE ALONG AND GET A WONDERFUL BARGAIN ?

In a Health shop window……….CLOSED DUE TO ILLNESS.

Message on a leaflet…….IF YOU CANNOT READ, THIS LEAFLET WILL TELL YOU HOW TO GET LESSONS.

On a Repair Shop window……WE CAN REPAIR ANYTHING. (Please knock hard on the door - bell not working.

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AND here’s another thing ! I’m not sure why but when reading papers and books lately I find that the little word “and” is used so often to start a sentence or paragraph. “So what”! you may say, but this use of English is totally foreign to my understanding of this very small word. I may not have excelled at English but enjoyed the lessons and - believe it or not - Grammar and spelling always interested me. I’m sure I remember that “and” was always a word that linked one sentence to another - certainly not one to be used to start a sentence. Perhaps I missed the lesson when the latter was the case ! Any comments ?

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Still on the “English theme”, here are a few words that, if re-arranged give some surprising results. The number shown after the word(s) indicates how many words should result after your re-arrangement. Answers later in this Issue….

DORMITORY (2) PRESBYTERIAN (3) ASTRONOMER (2) DESPERATION (4)

THE EYES (2) THE MORSE CODE (3) ELECTION RESULTS (3) ELEVEN PLUS TWO (3)

MOTHER IN LAW (2)

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Continuing the “theme” - here are a few metaphors from actual GCSE English essays……….

His thoughts tumbled in his head, making and breaking alliances like underpants in a tumble dryer.

Her hair glistened in the rain, like nose hair after a sneeze.

Her vocabulary was as bad as, like, whatever.

The politician was gone but unnoticed, like the full stop after Dr. on a Dr Pepper can.

The ballerina rose gracefully en pointe and extended one slender leg behind her, like a dog at a lamppost.

He was deeply in love. When he spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she was a dustcart reversing.

Long separated by cruel fate, the star-crossed lovers raced across the grassy field toward each other like two freight trains, one having left York at 6.36 pm, travelling at 55mph, the other from Peterborough at 4.19 pm at a speed of 35 mph.

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Let’s leave the English lesson and look at something we didn’t see in Maths lessons………Have a look at this..

1 x 8 + 1 = 9

12 x 8 + 2 = 98

123 x 8 + 3 = 987

1234 x 8 + 4 = 9876

12345 x 8 + 5 = 98765

123456 x 8 + 6 = 987654

1234567 x 8 + 7 = 9876543

12345678 x 8 + 8 = 98765432

123456789 x 8 + 9 = 987654321

OR

1 x 9 + 2 = 11

12 x 9 + 3 = 111

123 x 9 + 4 = 1111

1234 x 9 = 5 = 11111

12345 x 9 + 6 = 111111

123456 x 9 + 7 = 1111111

1234567 x 9 + 8 = 11111111

12345678 x 9 + 9 = 111111111

123456789 x 9 + 10 = 1111111111

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HUMOUR ……..One of our contributors suggested that we kick off with a “funny” which deals with a 21st Century problem…and a paper bag ! Yes, really ! He says: “I thought it was funny “!.

A little paper bag was feeling unwell, so he took himself off to the Doctors. “Doctor, I don’t feel too good”, said the little paper bag. “Hmm, you look OK to me”, said the Doctor, “but I’ll do a blood test, come back and see me in a couple of days”. The little paper bag felt no better when he got back for the results.

“What’s wrong with me?”, asked the little paper bag. “I’m afraid you are HIV positive!”, said the Doctor.

“No, I can’t be, I’m only a little paper bag !” “Have you been having unprotected “relations” ?”asked the Doctor.”

“No, I can’t do things like that - I’m only a little paper bag”.

“Well, have you been sharing needles with any other drug users or perhaps been abroad lately and required a jab or blood transfusion ?” queried the Doctor. “Of course not, I said I am only a little paper bag!”

“Well”, said the Doctor, “there can only be one explanation”……”Your mother must have been a carrier!!”

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An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went to the doctor who was able to fit him with a hearing aid that allowed him 100% hearing. He went back to the doctor in a month or so. The doctor said “your hearing is still perfect, your family must be really pleased that you can hear again”.

“Oh, I haven’t told the family yet”, came the reply, “I just sit and listen - I’ve changed my will three times already!”

A man was telling his neighbour, “I’ve just bought a new hearing aid - it cost me several thousand pounds but it really is state of the art”. “Wow”, answered the neighbour, “What kind is it ?” “Twelve thirty” .

Confucius says….

Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

Man with one chopstick go hungry.

Man who eat many prunes get good run for money.

War does not determine who is right, war determine who is left.

Man who drive like Hell, bound to get there.

Man who live in Glass house should change clothes in basement.

We hear a lot about the new health care package promised for the USA. Here is the American Medical Association’s view !

The Allergists voted to scratch it, but the Dermatologists advised not to make any rash moves. The Gastroenterologists had a sort of gut feeling about it, but the Neurologists thought the Senate had a lot of nerve. The Obstetricians felt they were labouring under a misconception. Opthalmologists considered the idea short sighted. Pathologists shouted, “Over my dead body”, while the paediatricians said, “Oh, Grow up”. Psychiatrists thought the whole idea was madness, while the Radiologists could see right through it. Surgeons decided to wash their hands of the whole thing. The Internists thought it was a bitter pill to swallow and the Plastic Surgeons said, “This puts a whole new face on the matter”. The Podiatrists thought it was a step forward. The Anaesthesiologists thought the whole thing was a gas and the Cardiologists didn’t have the heart to say no. Three cheers for our NHS !

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Here are a few Laws you may not have heard recently !………..

Law of Probability: The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.

Law of Variation: If you change lanes on the Motorway, the lane you were in will always move faster than the one you have left.

Law of the Bath: When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone rings.

Law of the Result: When you try to prove to someone that something does not work - it will !

Law of Biomechanics: The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to one’s reach.

Law of Physical surfaces: The chances of a jam sandwich landing face down on a floor covering are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpeting. That’s enough Laws for now - we have too many anyway !

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Some readers may play golf but even if you don’t, you will appreciate the following golf caddy comments……

Golfer: “I’d move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course”

Caddy: “Try heaven, you’ve already moved most of the earth”

Golfer: “Do you think my game is improving ?” Caddy: “Yes sir, you miss the ball much closer now “.

Golfer: Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron ?” Caddy: “Eventually”.

Golfer: “You’ve got to be the worst caddy in the world”.

Caddy: “I don’t think so sir, that would be too much of a coincidence”.

Golfer: “How do you like my game ?” Caddy: Very good sir, but personally, I prefer golf”.

Golfer: “That can’t be my ball, it’s too old”. Caddy: It’s been a long time since we teed off, sir”.

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One Sunday morning a mother went in to wake her son and tell him to get ready for Church. “I’m not going”, he said to his Mum. “Why not”, she asked. “I’ll give you two good reasons”, he said. “Firstly, they don’t like me and secondly, I don’t like them !”

“Well“, said Mum, “I’ll give you two very good reasons why you WILL go to Church. Firstly, you are 59 years old and secondly, you’re the pastor !”

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We have not had a “Duck Joke” for some time but here is the latest……………….

A duck walked into a pub and ordered a pint of beer and a ham sandwich. The landlord looked at him and said: “Hang on ! You’re a duck”. “I see your eyes are working” replied the duck sarcastically. “You talk too” said the landlord. !I see your eyes are working too” said the duck. “Now if you don’t mind, can I have my beer and sandwich please?” “Certainly sir, sorry about that but we don’t get many ducks in this pub - what are you doing round this way?”. “I’m working on the building site across the road”, explained the duck. “I’m a plasterer”. The flabbergasted landlord could not believe the duck and wanted to learn more. So, the duck read his newspaper, ate his sandwich and bad farewell to all and left.

The same thing happened for two weeks, then one day a circus came to town. The ringmaster came into the pub one evening and the landlord said to him, “You’re with the circus, aren’t you ?, well, I know a duck that would be brilliant in your show, he talks, drinks beer, eats sandwiches, reads the newspaper and everything !”

“Sounds marvellous” said the ringmaster, handing over his business card. “Get him to give me a call”.

So, the next day, when the duck paid his visit to the pub, the landlord said to him, “Hey, Mr. Duck, I reckon I can line you up with a top job, paying really good money”. “”I’m always looking for the next job” said the duck, “where is it ?”. “At the circus”, said the landlord. “The circus ?” repeated the duck, “you mean that place with the big tent ?” and all the animals living in cages and performers living in caravans”. ”Of course” replied the landlord”. “Surely their tent has canvas sides and a big canvas roof with a hole in the middle” said the duck. “That’s right !” said the landlord. The duck shook his head in amazement and said “”What the heck would they want with a plasterer ??”.

Well, it’s probably not the best joke you’ve heard, but why not send us the best joke you’ve heard !!

As much as we will deny it, getting older is one of those things we can’t change. We can however make sure that we have a laugh during these times when things change at an alarming rate ! It helps to reflect, as follows…………….

“Observations on Growing Older”…………

When your doctor says, “You look great - for your age”.

You ask your husband or friend how your outfit looks - and they tell you the truth.

The 5 pounds you wanted to lose is now 15, you have a better chance of losing your keys than the 15 pounds.

Who wants to wear 4inch heels anyway.

You miss the days when everything worked with just an “ON” and “OFF” switch.

You use more 4 letter words - “what?” “when?”.

You read 100 pages into a book before you realise you’ve read it.

When Google, ipod, email and modem were unheard of and a mouse was something that made you climb on the table.

But, old is good in some things - old songs, old movies and best of all - old friends !

I would be surprised if you have not encountered at least one of the above ! Ed.

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If only Tommy Cooper were alive today ! - we can finish with a smile, perhaps more than one !

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, “That’s Aboriginal”.

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins. It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said, “Tenpin ?”, I said, “No, permanent”.

I went into a pet shop. I said, “ Can I buy a goldfish?”. The guy said, “Do you want an aquarium ?”. I said, “I don’t care what star sign it is”.

I bought some Armageddon cheese today - its said on the packet, “Best before End”.

I went into a shop and said, “Can someone sell me a kettle?”. The bloke said, “Kenwood”. I said, “Where is he then ?”

I phoned the local ramblers club today, but the bloke who answered just went on and on…..

I was in the jungle and there was this monkey with a tin opener. I said, “You don’t need a tin opener to peel a banana”. He said, “No, this is for the custard”.

And finally…..do you give in ?

I phoned the local builder today, I said, “Can I have a skip outside my house ?”. He said, “I’m not stopping you”.

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Answers to rearranged words.

DORMITORY - DIRTY ROOM

PRESBYTERIAN - BEST IN PRAYER

ASTRONOMER - MOON STARER

DESPERATION - A ROPE ENDS IT

THEY EYES - THEY SEE

THE MORSE CODE - HERE COME DOTS

ELECTION RESULTS - LIES, LETS RECOUNT

ELEVEN PLUS TWO - TWELVE PLUS ONE

MOTHER IN LAW - WOMAN HITLER

 

 

In this Issue: I thank the following for sending me copy that has enabled me to complete Issue No. 38, not bad considering that we started in 1997. John Barron, Doug Hannah, Ivor Noyce, Jonathan Prest and Mike Smetham.

Whether we see Issue No. 39 is in some doubt for you will notice that the number of contributors has diminished ! Is it worth carrying on our Magazine ? Only you as readers can answer that ! Please give thought as to whether you have anything that would interest our readers. I am happy to continue as Editor and compile what has (I think) been a worthwhile project. Think about it, please.

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TWO dates for next year’s Diary……

Friday 21st May 2010 - Annual Dinner at the Chilworth Manor Hotel…..

Saturday 22nd May 2010 - Annual Reunion and AGM at Barton Peveril College, Eastleigh.

and Happy New Year 2010 ,

to all Old Bartonians, families and friends.

 

The Committee looks forward to seeing

you during 2010.

Friday 21st May - Our Annual Dinner

Saturday 22nd May - Reunion & AGM.

Please support us by being there !